Funny Jokes and Comments

What's wrong with this picture? You really gotta look.

Weather:

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... this is just too funny:

True story: We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked
 "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.

Men and Women

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars &
Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to HOLD me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I
and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains
that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is
going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed
department store...
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive
outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was
one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was
testing me when she asked for a 20 diamond tennis bracelet because she
doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her
that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you
should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the
cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank.
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw 2005.

Never Underestimate The Intelligence Of A Mother

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the
course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing
how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's
mother had long been suspicious of a relationship between
Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Brian's
mother started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate,
Stephanie, than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are
just roommates.
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
your mother took it do you. Brian said, Well, I doubt it, but I'll send
her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take
the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take
the gravy ladle. But, the fact remains
that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep
with Stephanie, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep
with Stephanie. But, the fact
remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY.........NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

8 hour day
  
  A man was sick and tired of going to work
  every day while his wife stayed at home.
  He wanted her to see what he went
  through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to
  work every day and put in 8 hours while my
  wife merely stays at home.  I want her to
  know what I go through, so please create a
  trade in our bodies.
  
  God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
  
  The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke
  as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his
  mate, awakened the kids, set out their school
  clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
  drove them to school, came home; and picked up
  the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped
  at the bank to draw out money to pay the power
  bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company
  and the phone company and paid the bills, went
  grocery shopping, came home and put away the
  groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and
  bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m.
  and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry,
  vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
  
  He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got
  into an argument with them on the way home. He
  set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized
  to do their homework, then set up the ironing board
  and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 PM
  he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads,
  breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
  After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
  dishwasher,
  folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
  At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and though his chores
  weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected
  to make love, which he managed to get through without
  complaint.
  
  The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the
  bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I
  was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home
  all day. Please, O please, let us trade back."
  
  The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel
  you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
  change things back to the way they were.
  
  You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant
  last night"!!!

Simple Mathematics of Life

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.

OFFICE ARITHMETIC:
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.

SHOPPING MATH:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS MATH:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY MATH:
Married men live longer than single men, but most
married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE MATH:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP RELATIVES FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
But they stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.

Sperm Bank Holdup

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and
holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the
sperm bank vault She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.  So she opens the door to
the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of
those sperm samples and drink it!"  She looks at him and says "BUT, they
are sperm samples???" "DO IT!".  So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well." So the nurse drinks that
one as well.  Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and
says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Letter to Grandma

This cracks me up !!!

A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to
send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too
embarrassed to let herknow that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in
half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and
hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his
grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it
makes your nose look too short."

COMPUTER WIZARDRY

CUSTOMER SERVICE
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department.  Needless to say,
the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I
know why they record these conversations!)
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type.
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it.  Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer."

So You Want To Be A Manager

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
(here's my favorite)
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it"
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

The Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Man Say:
    
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. I couldn't you know she is my younger sister.
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9.  Checkmate.
8.  She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7.  Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6.  Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5.  I don't have a favorite college team.
4.  Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3.  You All.
2.  Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
   
And, the Number One thing you'll NEVER hear a Southern Man say:
1.  Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.